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Sample 1 of Book 2 the Power to Succeed Eliminating
Upsets From Your Life
Whenever
you find yourself in upset, examine what the source of the upset is. Doing so
will allow you to identify what actions are appropriate in order to get over it
and prevent similar upsets from reoccurring. Upsets
are seldom about the person with whom you are upset. No one else can make you
upset. Only you can! The source of your upset is usually an interpretation you
made up about something that happened. To
determine the source of an upset: 1.
Check to see if there is an expectation in place that is not being met. What
rules of yours or prior agreement have been broken? Being upset is often the
result of a disappointment. Without a prior expectation that something will
occur, there is much less chance of being bothered by what someone says or does. When
you become upset, ask yourself if there was a clear prior commitment made about
the issue that produced the upset. Perhaps what may have been missing was
clarity around what all parties were to do. Look to see if there is a request
you can make to avoid future miscommunication. When
you contribute to others, do so because it is something you choose to do because
it serves you. Expect nothing in
return. Whether the other person
appreciates it, acknowledges it or reciprocates in any way is of no consequence.
You need not be affected by what anyone else says or does. If the only reason
you give love or anything else to someone is because you expect something in
return, you are bound to be disappointed when people do not respond as you had
expected. Having
personal power means you are never emotionally dependent on what another person
does or does not do. You alone are the source of your emotions and actions. 2.
See if there is an important value that is not being honored. When
our core values that matter most are not honored, we tend to become angry and
noncommunicative. To get to the source of an upset, identify what values are not
being honored and what is needed to return to a state of honoring them. Often
times, the experience of being heard will be sufficient to satisfy the person
and eliminate the upset. 3.
Ask if there is some undelivered communication that needs to be expressed. The
act of speaking responsibly will often eliminate the pent-up emotion that
results from not being heard. What are you repressing that you can say to
someone to complete the situation for you so that you can move on with your
life? Instead
of reacting to events or people, take the perspective that everything that
happens supports you in some way. Your job is to uncover how every situation
contributes to you and your growth. Adopt the attitude that everything that
occurs is interesting and will support
you in some way. Whether it is a difficult boss, a controlling spouse, or a
potentially stressful situation, take the interpretation that each is presenting
itself as an opportunity for your personal development. Take responsibility for
how you feel in any given moment. No one can make you feel anything. You are in
control. No one has the power to make you feel sad, angry, frustrated or happy. Most
of the time, our behavior is in reaction to our environment. We live our lives
in a low-grade upset waiting for any circumstances that might trigger this
impending upset, causing it to explode. This explosion of emotion is always
about protecting ourselves from being what we are out to avoid in life. Upsets
are always predominantly about the person who is experiencing the upset not
about the person supposedly causing it. An
upset is often about the past. The source of each upset can usually be traced
back to the same fundamental upset originating in childhood. This is where you
decided that you did not belong or were not worthy of being loved. The upset can
usually be traced back to whatever it is that you are out to avoid being in
life. Your upset is about making sure this possibility does not happen. 4)
Separate the facts from the interpretations and opinions involved. There is
great power in being able to have anyone say anything to you, knowing that no
matter what they say, there is no potential for it to upset you. The key is to
recognize someone’s opinion as just that. You need not be offended by it.
Separate what is factual from what is opinion and don’t allow opinions
to affect you. Remember, you are not
someone’s opinion about you. In
the final analysis, ask yourself if you are committed to rising above life’s
circumstances. Making the decision to not be invalidated will allow you to view
everything that happens from an entirely new perspective – one without an
upset attached to it! Developing the ability to disengage from the automatic
reaction that produces distress will allow for a life of choice free from the
habitual path of becoming upset. ELIMINATING UPSETS
1)
In your journal, record any upsetting situations you experience daily. 2)
What is the source of each upset? What interpretation has caused you to become
upset? What new interpretation can you create that does not promote the upset? 3)
What will you do to effectively take responsibility for your needs? 5)
What would you not want anyone to find out about you?
This is what you are out not to be. Identify how this produces a
reoccurring upset that runs your life and robs you of your power. 6) What is being upset costing you in terms of your health, relationships, power and effectiveness? |